It has recently been brought to my attention that there is a shop in London called Hoxton Street Monster Supplies which caters to every monster’s needs. I thought I'd put them to the test and see if they had anything for an endurance athlete like yours truly. An OG ogre from the barren wastelands. Out here, cycling is a way of life and definitely not for the faint-hearted. The sandstone cobbles have rattled more than a few bones loose from the pro peloton. That’s not to mention the constant danger of terror-hawks plucking a few riders clear off into the sky!

I've picked up a few items and field-tested them on some of my training rides.
Here are my top picks.

“Enjoy , Harry“

Sugar Dusted Bogies

When I'm parched and my mouth tastes like a sack of old leather, the sweet tangy chew of sugar dusted bogies really gets the mouth juices flowing again. Not only this but they also reignite my sore ogre muscles. These little balls of compressed human snot tug at my heartstrings and bring back memories of less stressful times when winning a grand tour wasn’t all that mattered. Gone are the carefree days of sharing fresh snot between chums and racing to the stop sign at the end of the lane.

A refreshing sour/sweet kiss, I’ve always thought that human snot tastes a bit like apples. Plus they are extra large for my big old clumsy hands.
I highly recommend them.

Toasted Bone Chunks

The finest-tasting Englishman I've ever had. Pure protein with a satisfying crunch. They stick to your teeth a little bit like any freshly ground human should do. They feel so soothing on my itchy teeth. What ogre doesn’t like that grating, abrasive sensation as you grind human bone into mush? My gnashers look even more broken up and perfect after a munch on these chunks.

As a professional athlete, I must give my body the ultimate fueling system possible so I can perform at an optimal level. The quality of protein in here is through the roof! And I swear I can even taste a little bit of the bone marrow in there. What a bonus!

Cubed Earwax

These are for when you are bonking(running out of energy) hard. You know that time when the bike is zig-zagging across the road. The mountain is closing claustrophobically in around you and the wall of despair is fast approaching. This delicacy can really save the day. But why settle for any old jug-eared human earwax. These nuggets of wax are harvested from humanoids fed on Tinned Fear. This paralyzing effect basically preserves the nutrient-rich essence that ghoulish athletes can then use to perform heroic feats.
What caffeine is to humans, earwax is to ogres!

Werewolf Biscuits

I didn’t want to hog all the foglight here so my pal in the racing circuit Morti Fang, a famed werewolf in the peloton had these few notes on the biscuits.

This is a treat for when I am home from a ride and need to recover properly. You'd think a lycanthrope couldn't sweat during the full moon but I seriously ooze buckets of the stuff during my favourite night of the month. It’s the time at which I feel the strongest, but it's also when I go the hardest and when I need to take my recovery the most seriously. It does was it says on the tin; increases vitality, well-being and really does help maintain my glossy coat.

When training hard is a bitter pill to swallow the soothing melt in the mouth, butter me up vibe of this biscuit hits all the right places.
You’ll be howling at the moon in no time and leaving your rivals in the spectral dust of the twilight zone.

I hope you have found this informative. To buy these horrifically wonderful products head over to the webshop :
Hoxton Street Monster Supplies
There is also this guy named Greg whose website I’m writing this article on that would like you to check out a ride he is doing for the charity called
Ministry of Stories. They help support the needs of monsters and small humans.
https://ministryofstories.enthuse.com/pf/greg-nay-e0ce6

Cheers again,
Harry